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A little better

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Jun. 11th, 2006 | 10:09 pm

I was in church tonight thinking about the things I have to go over with my doctor at my appointment on Tuesday.

I started thinking -- again -- about my c-section fears.  How the biggest thing that upsets me is having both my hands restrained.

I started thinking -- what if I talk to the doctor about having one of my arms free to hold Dave's hand, and the doctor says no?  Is it important enough to me that I would find another doctor?  Would I have time?  Would I be able to get a referral?  Would any other doctor do it differently anyway?  Would I just have to suck it up and deal with it, even if he says no?  Would it be better to not even ask, because asking and having someone say no reminds me that I'm not in control here?  This again had me so upset that during the Eucharistic prayer at Mass, I felt two tears sneak out.

And then I happened to look up at the crucifix.  And seeing Jesus's hands restrained there made me feel like my fears were a little petty; a small sacrifice to make for my baby's health.  And I also felt more peaceful -- like I was meant to look up there -- sort of a reassurance that he knows I'm scared and he's with me.

It was nice -- I know there are people that have day-to-day conversations with God where they hear God talking back.  They have no doubts that God talks to them -- I remember the girl who lived across from me in the dorms my freshman year was like that.  She couldn't believe that I *didn't* hear God talking to me on a regular basis.  But for me, prayer often is like whispering into a dark room.  I often am unsure whether anyone is listening.  I rarely feel certain of what God is trying to tell me.

But there have been a few moments in my life where I have found that reassurance.  Twice, several years apart, during the exposition of the sacrament following Holy Thursday Mass.  When I attended the Alpha retreat.  At my confirmation.

Glancing up at the crucifix wasn't quite like those moments -- it could just as well have been chance -- but it was what I needed tonight.  It feels like being cupped in someone's hands. 

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