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How do you know what God is saying?

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Jun. 24th, 2006 | 07:45 pm

What a roller coaster this is -- from terrified to excited, calm to panic . . .

Recent days have been more on the terror side of things.

Being induced is not what I had hoped for, and I'm scared of all the things that can go wrong when you start off with medical intervention.  But then, there are things that can go wrong if this baby stays inside me too -- he/she could grow too big to come out, and I might need a c-section anyway.  So I've been emotional and stressed out, trying to figure out what to do.  

Dave arrives tomorrow, and that again both comforts and scares me.  It will be so good to see him again, and to have my husband go through this with me.  But I feel like I've turned into a blue whale since the last time he saw me, and he has had no time to adjust to this new body, so I'm scared of how he'll react.

It seems that if I'm going to be induced, Wednesday really is my best bet.  My friend Wendy was telling me that statistically, when women enter the hospital on Friday, there are a lot more c-sections for "failure to progress" because the doctors want to start their weekends.  Monday will probably be the same, because it's the day before July 4, and if I waited until Wed., July 5, that's the day Dave's family arrives, and it's only a few days before the baptism.  It would be better for baby and for me to have a few days to heal and for the three of us to get used to life together before everyone else arrives.

But it troubles me, somehow, to plan these things -- it seems that the timing of births and deaths should be left to God.  (Then again -- it seems strange to think of God getting mad at someone for having a planned c-section.  Or holding a grudge because of a family's decision to end artificial life support).  

Church was once again interesting, because I felt like God was saying something to me -- but what?  The theme of the readings this weekend was God's control over the waters, and the first reading expressly connected this to the imagery of birth:

"Then the Lord addressed Job out of the storm and said:
Who shut within doors the sea,
When it burst forth from the womb;
When I made the clouds its garment
And thick darkness its swaddling bands.
When I set limits for it
And fastened the bar of its door
And said:  Thus far shall you come but no father,
And here shall your proud waves be stilled."
Job 38:1, 8--11

This theme continued into the gospel reading, about Jesus stilling the waters (and his disciples' lack of faith):
"A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up.  Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion.  They woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?'  He woke up, rebuked the wind , and said to the sea, 'Quiet!  Be still!'  The wind ceased and there was great calm.  Then he asked them, 'Why are you terrified?  Do you not yet have faith?'"
Mark 4:35--40

And the song, too:
"Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, they confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:  the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below."

So what does this say to the upcoming birth?  If the theme here is God's control over the waters (including the waters of birth) . . . then maybe I need to let go of this worry, forgo the induction, and trust that the right thing is going to happen.  On the other hand, if you take the theme more generally as "do not worry," that God is with us even in scary times, then maybe I need to let go of worry no matter what -- go forward Wednesday with the induction even if it scares me, stop insisting that my birth go according to some non-medicated Bradley plan, and instead accept that there are going to be some storms, and I'm going to get tossed around, but we'll come out of it okay.

Here's hoping that an answer will become more clear in the next several days.  Or even better -- that this baby will decide to show up on his or her own before Wednesday morning arrives.

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Comments {1}

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from: anonymous
date: Jun. 28th, 2006 12:25 pm (UTC)

I'm crossing my fingers that baby decides to come out before your induction! (hugs)

However, even if he/she doesn't... things will be ok! If you get induced, things will still be ok! Sometimes things don't go according to the perfect plan in our heads... but what you want in the end is a healthy mother and baby. If you doctor thinks inducing on July 5 will produce that, I would go with it. :)


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